


missing piece

by stonefrog



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F, Unfinished
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 18:24:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15467319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonefrog/pseuds/stonefrog
Summary: Paige McCullers goes retrospective..References Paige’s and Emily’s love story from 1.15 onwards and I guess you need to be at least somewhat familiar with the scenes to really follow along.





	missing piece

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a prequel to complete, but it won't get finished, I'm afraid. But as there is quite a chunk of what was planned to be the first part done, I'm going to post that at least. The mysterious companion Paige opens up to is Anne, her roomie from complete, but I never got to that reveal. Sorry.
> 
> Disclaimer: Most of the characters don’t belong to me.
> 
> Warning: Some triggers for thoughts and acts of self harm and suicide

"All I ever wanted was for her to be safe and happy..." She looked up into her companion’s eyes and smiled, but she couldn't hide the lost look that crept into her eyes, every time she thought of Em now. She took another sip from her cup before she continued. 

"I first saw her the summer before Junior High. She had just moved to Rosewood, her dad is military, you know, National Guard? I drove by her house while they were unloading the truck and she immediately caught my eye. She was carrying a box full of stuff into the house. When she saw me passing by on my bike, she smiled at me, that shy smile of hers. I almost fell of my bike." she chuckled, melancholic. "I still can tell you what she wore that day..."

~~~

Paige swerved in the last second. She had almost hit the Cavanaughs' mailbox because she couldn't take her eyes of the girl in the light yellow summer dress that had smiled at her across the street. She grinned, suddenly embarrassed, and drove away, looking back over her shoulder when she was past the next house to see the girl enter the door of her new home.

She didn't understand why, but during the following weeks she often thought about the new girl, Emily, imagining that they could be friends the upcoming year of school. They had met at the park a few times, not really talking but smiling at each other from afar. But when school started, that dream came to a quick end. She saw Emily enter the class room with Alison DiLaurentis and her little gang. Of course. Alison lived almost next door and if she wanted someone to be her friend, she would get her way. She always did. 

Paige had kept away from Alison before, not liking the way she manipulated the people around her to get what she wanted. But the few times they had had crossed paths, it had been ugly. If you weren't Ali's friend, you were her enemy, or worse, her toy, something she used to sharpen her claws.

~~~

"Emily and I both joined the swim team, so that's when I saw her away from her friends. She was good, brilliant really. The only one that really could challenge me. I liked that, I liked her, but I kept away. There was something I did not understand. A feeling that she caused in me, that..." She trailed off, smiled ruefully and continued. "I was so young, so naïve."

"I guess, Ali understood what was happening before I did. She must have seen something in me, something that turned her on me. It was awful... At first, I fought back, but it got to me, it fed into my insecurities, my fears. I was in a really bad place, then." She took another sip of her drink and grimaced at the sting of the alcohol, her eyes shining with unshed tears for her younger self.

~~~

Paige woke with a start, out of breath and sweating. 'A dream, it was only a dream!' Her heart was racing, she felt sick. It had started like it always did, with Emily. Shy, beautiful Emily, smiling at her after they won a meet, eyes shining, hair still wet, coming over to hug her. The hug lingered, longer than it should, her body tingling all over, the noise from the crowd disappeared and Paige could feel Emily's heart beat in sync with her own. Slowly they both pulled back a bit, searching each other's eyes before they leaned in, smiling ever so softly. 

The dream changed there, it always did. Emily’s face changed into Ali's, a sneer on her features. "I own you, McCullers, never forget that." And how could she, how could she forget. When she had found that letter in her Chem book, she had been equally ecstatic and afraid. She knew that the feelings she was having for Emily were wrong, unnatural, evil, even and that she could very well go to hell for them. Her dad stressed that every time something like that came up on the news or in the paper. He could go on for hours about the 'gay agenda', although Paige wasn’t to clear on whatever that was. 

She had taken to hiding her feelings away, building a strong wall around herself, always scared that someone might get too close and catch a glimpse of her secret. It had driven her friends away bit by bit, because she would retreat either to silence or barbs, sometimes acidic ones.

But Emily felt the same, at least that was what she implied in her letter and Paige, after some agonising, took a leap of faith and answered. She should have known that it couldn't be true. She had played into Alison's hand, had given her the ultimate ammunition.

Her breath still hadn't calmed, her heart pounding in the dark. She was desperate, her mind racing. She would never find sleep like this. She reached below the bed for the box she hid there, grabbing her razor. She needed to feel something else, needed some control over herself. After the first small cut she watched the tiny trickle of blood, dark against her pale skin, mesmerised for a moment by the beauty of it. She pressed the blade against her flesh again. And again.

It always helped just for a moment. The next day there would be some new shame, another of Alison’s relentless attacks. 

The scars became harder to hide, the ones on her skin as well as those on her soul.

~~~

"I almost lost myself, then. My life was... dominated by fear and hatred. I hated Ali, for what she did to me and I hated myself, for what I felt, for what I was, for what I did. I couldn’t... Nobody could ever know..”. 

“But I couldn't let Ali win..." She stopped for a moment, lost in the memories that still had her shiver involuntarily, subconsciously rubbing her thigh, where, under the denim, scars reminded her of the darkness that had almost swallowed her. It took her some effort to pull herself out of it, to continue the story.

"Emily got a boyfriend a few month before, in freshman year of high school and I threw myself into sports. Swimming, Field Hockey... My dad always was ambitious, always pushing me to be the best and I did everything in my power to make him happy. I was his perfect little girl. At least I was trying to be..." Her voice cracked and she needed a moment to collect herself before she continued.

"That summer Alison disappeared. I didn't really care what had happened to her, I was just glad she was gone. It gave me some room to breath, but the fear and self hatred stayed, as did the pressure from home. I had fundamentally changed over all that had happened. My walls stayed up...

“Ali's friends somehow drifted apart. Emily concentrated on swimming and Ben, her boyfriend. We worked together well, in the pool at least. Otherwise I kept away. I didn't really trust myself, you know?" She looked to the side, watching the sun set over the water, pausing for a moment before she continued.

"But then, a few weeks into Junior Year, after they found Ali's body, something happened..."

~~~

Paige caught herself staring across the cafeteria. She could hear the students at her table talk, but she couldn't focus on them, it was like white noise, just humming in her ears. All she saw was Emily, over at her table, kissing the new girl, Maya, who had moved into the DiLaurentis house at the start of the school year.

Emily, who had broken up with Ben and who was secretly seeing and/or helping Toby Cavanaugh now, although he was supposedly the one who killed Alison - or at least that was what Bridget Wu was telling - was kissing a girl. In the school cafeteria. In the middle of the day. In full view of the whole school.

Paige was rooted to the spot, her heart beating fast, her eyes still glued to the table across the room long after Emily and Maya had left the room.

Afterwards she found herself alone in the restroom, staring at her reflection in the dirty mirror, long after the bell had rung for class.

~~~

"That night, I did not sleep. I couldn't deal." She snorted, emptying her cup. "But at the end of the night, I knew one thing for sure. No, make that two. I was like those two girls, I was a girl that wanted to kiss girls. And I was never ever gonna tell anyone. Because my parents, unlike theirs, would never understand and what good would it do, anyway? The girl I had fallen for had a girlfriend, she would never be with me."

"Emily all but quit the team, so I didn’t see her all that much, which was fine with me. And then Maya disappeared. They found pot on her and she was sent to a juvie camp. And thus Emily returned to the team." She looked at the camp fire between them, the flames mirrored in her brown eyes.

"I was terrible to her. Like I said, my life was fear, hatred and ambition and I took it all out on her. I was so angry with her, for everything. How she could just be out, be herself, how she broke my heart, without even knowing, how she returned to the team and effortlessly took anchor away from me. How she could be just this fucking perfect. 

“I bullied her. I guess I learned a lesson from Ali, there. Hurt them, so they don’t hurt you..."

~~~

At first, Paige had been happy that Emily was back on the team, looking forward to swim with her again, to just be around her again, but that had changed quickly. She had thought she would be able to push her feelings down, like before, but they only fueled her aggression, especially when it looked like Emily was going to take away what seemed like the only chance to make her parents proud, by becoming team captain. 

She felt herself loose grip more and more, every time they crossed paths, going from friendly egging Emily on to homophobic insinuations to holding her head under water to regain some power over all the things she felt slipping away from her. And she felt awful.

~~~

“I felt like a monster. I was sure that she thought I was a monster. An overambitious, homophobic bully. The coach pitted us against each other for a swim off, to decide who would get to anchor in an important meet, which I felt I needed to win, because scouting season was starting, and she was still friendly about it, even after all I had done.” She closed her eyes for a moment.

“That night, I reached some kind of breaking point. I was done, with the whole thing, I was done with swimming, I was close to being done with myself... But I needed her to know, you know?” She looked over at her companion who was refilling both their cups but nodded at her question.

“I needed her to know how sorry I was. So I drove over to her house, in the middle of the night. It was raining. I mean, really raining, I was soaked by the time I got to her house. Everything was dark. I almost left without talking to her, but I couldn’t.”

“She came to the door, I hadn’t really expected that, but she came and listened to me ramble on. I guess, I let someone see the real me for the first time in a long time. I told her I was sorry, I was not okay, I was convinced she hated me, even told her I was hating myself. And she took it all in, took in the real me, the broken me, and said, she didn’t, she didn’t hate me. That look in her eyes, that warmth.... I couldn’t… I just left, grabbed my bike and drove away.”

~~~

Her parents had been angry with her for crashing her bike. Her mom needed to remind her father that she was hurt, that she was hurting, all Nick McCullers seemed to think about was how Paige had ruined her chance at anchor, how she wouldn’t be able to swim in the meet.

Paige had crawled to her room after an hour of admonishments, exhausted and worn out. For a moment she wished again she had hurt herself worse in the crash, remembered lying on the street, in the rain, thought again about how easy it would be if she just disappeared but then the memory of Emily appeared in front of her inner eye, Emily telling her “I don’t hate you.”, Emily calling after her, and she could feel some calm settle in herself before she finally fell asleep. 

The next day, battered and beat, she slipped into the natatorium, just in time to for the relay. She watched Emily dive in and win the race for the Sharks, and afterwards, when she was surrounded by the whole team, celebrating their victory, Emily looked over to where Paige was standing in the bleachers and caught her eye and Paige felt something like happiness, for the first time in what felt like forever.

~~~

“Afterwards, I sat at the water, the natatorium was empty, the team had left to celebrate. I had always felt at home at the pool, and I was trying to find out if that feeling was still there. That’s where she found me.”

“She wanted to know if I was okay, she had tried to call me a few times before to check on me. She was genuinely interested in my well being.“

“I told her, told her that I was thinking of quitting swimming and she confessed how she had been there, but was swimming for herself now. She taught me, that night, how to swim for fun again. I had forgotten.” A ghost of a smile graced her lips at the memory as she got lost in it for moment.

~~~

The world fell away as her strong arms propelled her forward. She had always loved the way everything seemed to quiet down once she was in her element. The noises faded, her thoughts slowed down and her whole body moved with purpose. 

They swam for a bit, while it slowly got dark outside, each in her lane, not talking but occasionally smiling at each other. There was no competition in it, no ambition. After a few laps they stopped on the deep end, just treading water. Emily grinned at her, breathed in deeply and let herself sink to the bottom. Paige looked down for a second before following. 

Down there, it was dark and eerily quiet. Emily had sunk down into a sitting position on the pool floor, looking up at her with a smile. Paige sat down across from her, smiled back and held Emily’s gaze. She could feel herself calm down, feel her whole body relax and float weightlessly. After a minute the need for air propelled them back up to the surface with a gasp. 

They floated on their backs for a while, each lost in her own thoughts, watching the reflection of the ripples on the ceiling, Paige feeling light, all of a sudden, like some of the weight that was pressing down on her was slowly lifting, until suddenly Emily stood, dragged her arms across the surface of the water to splash Paige with a big grin on her face. Paige couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled to the surface.

They got dressed and ready in silence, saying ‘goodbye’ to each other with a smile.

~~~

“The relaxation lasted only for a short bit, though…”

~~~ 

After she came home that night, her dad asked her into his study. He was sternly looking at her when he asked her how it was possible that somebody could have beaten her. Instinctively she dipped her head, breaking eye contact.

“Did you slack off?”

Paige grimaced and shook her head. Her dad wouldn’t let this rest until he found an explanation, a guilty party. “No dad, I…”

“So, what happened?” 

“Emily and I tied.” 

That didn’t seem to satisfy him. “So?”

“I don’t know.”

“Paige, you know how important this is. You need to always be on your game, you need to be the best, if you want to get into a good college, if you want to be on a Division 1 team. There’ll soon be the first scouts at the meets and you only have this one chance. How many times to we have to tell you?”

She nodded meekly, imagining telling him that she didn’t want a swimming scholarship for a second and successfully managed to slip away half an hour later when his phone rang.

~~~

“I thought that that was that, but, of course, it wasn’t. The next day he turned up at school, in the middle of the cafeteria at lunch break, no less, demanding to see the coach to complain about how I was robbed of my opportunities because the school was favoring the gay girl.” She looked out over the water for a moment, lost in the memory.

“It was terrible, I just stood there, watching him going off, in front of everybody, about political correctness and agendas, I just wanted to hide. And of course, Emily was there to hear it all. I tried to convince her that I hadn’t told him of her being gay, but I don’t… didn’t think she believed me.” She stopped, suddenly smiling at a memory of what happened next.

“So, it was teacher-parent conference time that afternoon, so dad and I stood there in the hallway when suddenly Emily’s mom charged in, like a 5’2’’ ball of righteous energy. She was having none of his explanations, just standing there and defending her kid. It was awesome, and I was suddenly so envious, because I thought my parents would never do that for me.”

~~~

Paige watched as Pam Fields left her father standing, for once speechless, in the hallway of her high school, Emily close behind. The two women hugged tightly before they split to go to their separate cars. 

Without thinking, Paige followed Emily, leaving her father behind, with the whispering parents around him. She needed to… She needed… 

Slipping into Emily’s car she apologized for her dad again before somehow setting Emily off ranting by telling her how easy everything seemed to be for her. 

‘She doesn’t get what I meant.’ 

She suddenly knew only one way to stop Emily’s rant, to make her see what she had been talking about, to make her see that she knew what Emily was talking about. And before she could stop herself, Paige pressed her lips to Emily’s, effectively silencing her and stopping her own heart in the process. She was kissing Emily Fields, in her car, in the school parking lot and it felt… Oh god, it felt!

It took a moment before she realized what was just happening and she slipped out of the car, completely in shock.

“Don’t tell!”

‘I am desperately in love with you!’

~~~

“I was so scared by what I had done. I ignored her calls, like if I did, I could somehow unkiss her. I even started to swim in the evenings, so I wouldn’t see her at the pool. When we met a few days later, I made up pitiful excuses…” She grinned lopsidedly, remembering her ‘old and sick aunt’.

“Of course she figured out I was avoiding her. I mean, it was really obvious. She wanted to talk about the kiss, but when I told her, I didn’t want to talk about it, she agreed to forget it. There was something like.. regret there, but not for the kiss but for forgetting it…”

“I guess that’s what spurred me to ask her to meet me. I couldn’t do it face to face, mind you, I slipped a note into her locker. I chose some dive bar outside of town online and hoped that no one would see us there. Sitting there, waiting for her was terrible, I was sure she wouldn’t show up, but she did, and surprisingly, we kinda hit it off, in an awkward way.”

~~~

Emily hat left her table for a quick bathroom break when Paige took the chance at being ‘ballsy’ and signed up for Karaoke. She thought Emily had been mildly flirting with her for the last hour, the two of them talking and joking, still finishing each other’s sentences now and then. It was still kind of awkward but she had never had so much fun on a date - this was a date, wasn’t it? - and if she wasn’t mistaken, Emily was having fun as well. So when Emily returned from the bathroom, she found Paige up on stage, daring her to come sing with her.

They sang another song after the first and afterwards they retreated to their booth, giggling from the adrenaline of being on stage. The crowd had been gracious, applauding their efforts, even if they did not hit every note and they even got a free drink for the effort. 

Later they stood outside the bar by Emily’s car, both not wanting to end the night, when Emily leant in and kissed Paige. It was short but it was taking her breath away. And Emily’s as well, by the looks of it. 

That night was the first in months that Paige didn’t have any nightmares.

~~~

“It was like a dream come true. I had been on a date with Emily Fields, we had kissed afterwards... It took me all of about 10 hours to ask her for a second date. And we went for a picnic that same afternoon. I had it all planned, found a secluded spot where I was sure no one would come along, packed the picnic basket.” She shook her head, smiling.

“It started out perfect. We enjoyed the sun, listened to music, just talked. We were so close, holding hands lying next to each other. We really clicked. So of course I had to fuck it up…” Her smile vanished at the memory.

“She asked me to a concert in Philly a few weeks down the line and I just couldn’t. I was too afraid that someone might see us. I still thought I was never gonna come out, then…”

~~~

‘I think it has to be as friends.’ Emily’s words were still clear in her mind. And of course, she understood… But it hurt. She thought she might have actually felt her heart break. For some hours, not even a whole day, she had been dating Emily, had been laughing with her, kissed her, held her hand and now, it was over and she would never be able to tell Emily how she really felt about her, would never kiss her or hold her again. It was over.

They were going to be just friends, but this time, Paige would try to make the best of it. At least now Emily knew, so maybe she didn’t have to pretend around her anymore. 

She wallowed in misery for a day or two, hiding her pain from her parents, because, what would she say if they asked, then tried to pull herself together.

To take her mind of things, to make herself forget, she decided to go on a date with Sean when he asked her out. He seemed like a good, safe choice. He wouldn’t try anything, his parents were respectable and he was captain of the football team, so her parents would approve and it promised at least some fun. And it would silence anyone who might have suspicions about her.

~~~

“My friends were impressed that I scored a date with one of the hottest guys in school, so there was that.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Pru especially had been worried about my dating life, so that date appeased her at least.”

“I even talked to Emily about going. He was one of her friends’ ex, so that was extra weird. Of course, she probably understood why I did it better than I did myself, that I was trying to feel… to be normal… I was really surprised when he asked me, I really hadn’t seen it coming, but I figured it wouldn’t harm anyone.”

~~~

She didn’t really know why she went at all, she didn’t know what she expected to happen. At first she was telling herself that it was just friends going out for fun and she actually liked Sean and his friends. They were fun to be around, they accepted her instantly and it was a nice evening. It all had turned afterwards, when Sean had brought her home.

He was walking next to her, his hand brushing hers a few times on the short walk up to her house, still talking about the movie they had seen together. When they arrived at her porch, they both stopped and turned towards each other. Sean searched her eyes for a moment and then leaned in and brushed his lips against hers, just for a moment, before smiling at her again and saying: “I really had fun, tonight, Paige. So, maybe we could do it again, sometime?”

She managed a shaky smile, thankful for the dark that would hopefully hide her discomfort and answered, not looking him into the eyes. “Yeah, maybe…”

~~~

“It felt so wrong, so phoney… It wasn’t even like I was really kissing him, more like I was watching it, like a movie and it felt just fake. The moment he turned around, without really thinking it through, I texted Emily, I needed to talk to her. And she really had meant that she would be there for me, as a friend, because she invited me over immediately.” She was still grateful for that, talking to Emily that night about her deepest fears had set something inside her in motion that had changed her life so much for the better.

“I was so desperate. I knew I was being unfair to Sean, but how could I be honest with him if I wasn’t even honest with myself? And she got that. And she actually made it seem possible. That was the first time I said it out loud, said “I’m gay.” She knew what that meant, what saying it out loud would mean. 

~~~

“Yeah, it will.”


End file.
